Honesty breeds honesty

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Amazing what a difference (not even) 24 hours makes. Since my last post I have had many very kind messages of support and appreciation. But best of all, two honest comments from friends who have felt the same. One who wonders why he can’t just ‘smash them’ just this once and another from a friend who says “Yeah, have had thoughts of killing them and of killing myself, not to mention thoughts of drinking just enough bleach to land in hospital for a few nights of sleep.” And this without one bit of guilt or shame, said so matter-of-factly, it made me wonder why I’d left out that I’d looked at one twin gagging (which at the time I thought was choking) and wondered, what if I don’t do anything and you die? Will I be sad? 

These comments were from very normal, very loving parents, kind, caring people who were honest enough to say that sometimes parenting just doesn’t ring their bell. I came very close to heavily editing last night’s post. Then after publishing I felt very, very anxious about what I’d ‘put out there’. The comments from my friends, in an instant, took all of the shame and guilt away. Made it OK to even laugh about it a bit.

What I know today is this.

I’m not the perfect parent.

I never will be.

I am certainly not alone in my dark thoughts.

I’m OK, I can still laugh, function and be good company.

Nothing will get better if I just sit and wait for it to get better.

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4 responses »

  1. Without a doubt Pet. Women need to be able to feel safe to express their thoughts and pain withour fear of judgement and punishment. I for one considered on a couple of occassions of dropping my baby off in a cardboard box on the church steps (like in the movies) to be raised by good Christian women who don’t have thoughts like I did. I told someone that once (and only once) and the response was laughter and “as if”. And they were right, as if I would, but I was more hoping for a “Are you OK ? Can I do something to help you ?” My dark moments were more paranoia that if I voiced any concerns or showed any weakness that someone would come and take my baby away from me because I wasn’t a fit mother. I was too frightened to tell anyone, not even Lee because I was sure he was in on it too. And that lasted until his 1st birthday. An entire year living in fear. It’s an awful time for some women and what you are doing Pet, takes away some of the stigma, guilt and punishment. Thanks Pet, love you.

  2. I’ve thought of a topic for you to ponder Petal. I was at a party on the weekend and was talking to another mother who had a friend recently give birth. Possibly about 6 weeks in, she was having a wonderful time. The baby only woke once a night, fed well, didn’t cry much and apparently she looked fabulous. We similtaneously said “Bitch”. Then we were thinking of times that would hopefully really suck for her and bring her into reality, like teething, colds, terrible 2’s. I felt guilty at the time for wished a difficult motherhood on another woman when I myself had a difficult time too. Why would you wish that on anyone? I thought perhaps so we could have someone to sympathise with our own experiences, or perhaps to make ourselves feel better by knowing that all mothers have a hard time. I don’t like to wish ill on others, but when I hear of a woman having a wonderful and enlightening experience, I find myself saying “just you wait, it will turn to shit at any moment”.

  3. Oh Tracey, you are certainly not at all alone in your dark thoughts. Mine have been mostly about my oldest son, and mostly long ago when he was first diagnosed with ASD and when he was totally hyperactive and I had PND… oh NOT happy days.

    Not so bad with the twins generally, although I could still cheerfully strangle them on a regular basis. Why can’t they just be more reasonable? Go to bed calmly? Etc etc etc etc etc (ad infinitum)

  4. Thanks for the comments ladies and I am brewing away on your thoughts Pet. Seana you’ve shone a bit of light on those dark thoughts for me, you seem to have done the really hard yards but you are still smiling!

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