Amazing what a difference (not even) 24 hours makes. Since my last post I have had many very kind messages of support and appreciation. But best of all, two honest comments from friends who have felt the same. One who wonders why he can’t just ‘smash them’ just this once and another from a friend who says “Yeah, have had thoughts of killing them and of killing myself, not to mention thoughts of drinking just enough bleach to land in hospital for a few nights of sleep.” And this without one bit of guilt or shame, said so matter-of-factly, it made me wonder why I’d left out that I’d looked at one twin gagging (which at the time I thought was choking) and wondered, what if I don’t do anything and you die? Will I be sad?
These comments were from very normal, very loving parents, kind, caring people who were honest enough to say that sometimes parenting just doesn’t ring their bell. I came very close to heavily editing last night’s post. Then after publishing I felt very, very anxious about what I’d ‘put out there’. The comments from my friends, in an instant, took all of the shame and guilt away. Made it OK to even laugh about it a bit.
What I know today is this.
I’m not the perfect parent.
I never will be.
I am certainly not alone in my dark thoughts.
I’m OK, I can still laugh, function and be good company.
Nothing will get better if I just sit and wait for it to get better.