Shock

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I posted a week or two ago about dark thoughts like wondering if I’d really be sad if I lost one of my twins. It only takes a couple of near misses to shock you right to the core of what is actually real in your heart.

We moved house about three months ago. On moving day, we were waiting in the backyard for the Parents in Law to come over and pick up the kids. We were all just hanging out and playing. We had a fence to a steep driveway that led to a very busy road. The twins had worked out how to open the fence weeks before, but we were in close supervision that morning so (we thought) all’s fine. I was holding S and I saw R heading toward the fence. In the two seconds it took me to alert Andrew, R had opened and closed the fence and was running down the steep driveway. I screamed as Andrew got the gate open and ran for it, grabbing our boy by the arm less than 2 meters from the road. We sighed in relief and locked the gate again. About 10 or 15 minutes later I dissolved into tears. It was a weird delayed reaction. I couldn’t get the image of my boy running toward heavy trucks out of my mind.

This morning I was heading down the stairs to the playroom. I had R in my arms and S was walking down the stairs himself. They have been pretty good on the stairs lately so we’ve been letting them climb down independently. He slipped. Right in front of me. All I could do was watch him fall. He fell forward and then flipped over on his head continued down about 6 steps. I screamed like an idiot. I guess when you physically can’t do anything your body goes to the only other thing you have – make a loud scary noise so people come running. It was awful. And this is one of the things about having twins which is really hard. What do you do if you actually can’t save your child because to do so would be to drop the other one? My husband was too far away to have helped, and I traumatised poor R in my arms with my screams. Poor darling. Thankfully thankfully my little tripper was OK, but I was a shaking, crying mess. My reaction surprised me more than the fall I think. I couldn’t stop shaking or crying for a good while. The twins were over it before I was.

I didn’t need a reminder that I wouldn’t want to lose any of them. Of course not. That love, that utter fear when they run a little too far, too fast toward a danger that you may not be able to protect them from, what a reminder.

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