Something has passed, a change blew through and the sun is a little shinier today. Every time it happens, I am surprised. It happens again and again and again, yet I still forget, still get despondent, still feel hopeless.
I really can’t believe how things have changed around here in the past few weeks. For a start, I feel a world away from the way I felt when I wrote Listen on February 5th. Putting it out there, both here and to my GP was not only therapeutic, but incredibly empowering. I felt truly in control of my own story, my own world. Strong enough to say well, I’m here and I’m not coping. Far from feeling weak and like a failure, I felt completely lifted, whole and hopeful.
Six weeks ago we thought we’d never see the end of twin 2’s screaming. And his night waking. I thought regularly, why can’t they just be happy for just one whole day? I thought, will I ever feel anything other than total exhaustion by 10 in the morning? Let alone 5 in the afternoon? Will this be fun anytime soon?
I haven’t heard twin 2 do his special scream for….actually I can’t remember when I last heard it. The twins seems to have stopped or greatly reduced their frustration head banging. This morning I sat quietly on the couch drinking my coffee while chatting with Mr 4. Twins downstairs playing happily. Just when we set up the portable cot downstairs because we had decided to separate the twins at night due to one of them screaming through the night and waking his twin, the neighbours and Siberia, he’s stopped. We only split them up for one night. My toxic hour afternoons (on my own until my husband gets home) have been largely peaceful and very enjoyable. I’ve been falling in love again. With each one, individually. Having fun.
We sat down last night and remembered, again, that a phase had passed. Just like all the others. Ready for the next one. It’s not the end, we will tear our hair out again, I’ll be imperfect, yell, cry in a toilet, then up will come the sun, the phase will pass, we’ll laugh and love, and round again.