The Black Dog Returns

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Two weeks ago I thought I was getting depressed again. Caught in that cycle of negative thinking, I was why why why ing myself round the bend. That old feeling of being trapped in a cage and wanting to break something, anything just to make some noise and have a head turn my way. Then suddenly, unexpectedly, I entered the twilight zone (note to GenY types, twilight zone meaning weird place, not vampire love nest). I had about two days in a row where somebody kidnapped my kids and replaced them with exact replicas, only compliant, peaceful, smiley, happy ones. I had enough space to think wow, this really IS getting easier, these kids are FUN! I can DO this!!

And then the kidnappers returned my real kids. Phases phases phases. It is all indeed, a passing phase. The I will not eat anything but air phase seems to have faded and may pass sort of maybe one day soon. I don’t know what the name of the current phase is but it’s not my favourite. I think it’s just the one that has been going since they hit 18 months. It’s the toddler phase. I’m sorry but I have to be un-politically correct here and say that I really just can’t stand toddlers. OK maybe that’s a bit strong. Let’s put it like this. At the end of a run of the mill Saturday, I feel like I have worked a day’s hard yakka on a farm. It’s hard physical work. My body aches and if I’ve had 5 minutes to sit down and chill it would have been with boys crawling all over me like an ant hill.

Toddlers. Are they freaking insane? In the interest of getting inside their crazy little heads, I have compiled a list of things I know about them.

  1. Toddlers never stop. Toddlers move always. Toddlers move therefore toddlers are.
  2. Toddlers touch stuff. All stuff. Any stuff within reach. If it’s not within reach toddlers will drag a chair over and climb on top of something to get it. And then toddlers will break it.
  3. Toddlers love sound. Lots of it. All the time. Nice and loud. Especially sound of own making. Yeah!
  4. Toddlers will not eat dinner. Toddlers will climb on you to eat whatever you are eating.
  5. Toddlers will mess stuff up. Toddlers do not think things should be in drawers or cupboards. Things should always be on the floor when you are a toddler.
  6. Toddlers will play nicely for five minutes only. After that, toddlers will hit each other, break things, throw things and scream until you come.
  7. If there is a drain, pipe, toilet, hole or receptacle of any description, toddlers will fill it with stuff. Stuff may include rocks, lego, shoes, bits of dinner, ripped book pages and your car keys.
  8. When in the car, toddlers will say Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas until you play the Thomas theme song one thousand and fifty times.
  9. When at home, toddlers will say Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas Thomas until you put the Thomas DVD on, whereupon they will watch it for three and a half minutes before they will hit each other, break things, throw things and scream until you come.
  10. Toddlers will do whatever is most inconvenient for you. If you want them to sleep, toddlers will not sleep. If you want them to stay awake, toddlers will sleep.
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