Recently I saw a Facebook meme that said, before you diagnose yourself as depressed or with low self-esteem, first make sure you are not just surrounded by assholes. It struck a chord with me because I have thought at various times in my life that I surely must have every mental illness known to man. But maybe it’s the world that is crazy and not me. That’s possible right?
So I thought I’d review some mental illnesses and blame it all on parenting twins. Here we go.
Obviously this unfortunate affliction is attributable to the highs and lows of parenting twins. Or even just parenting. One minute you have delusions of grandeur, thinking that you are the best parent that ever lived because you got through an entire day without rocking in a dark corner with a double shot of whiskey, the next you are rocking in a dark corner with a double shot of whiskey because you are clearly the worst parent that ever lived.
Well of course. It’s twins. You are in house lock down because you can’t be bothered packing the small trailer load of crap that is required for a trip to the local park, plus you can’t imagine yourself running toward the river and the road at the same time to save both twins from certain death. You haven’t dressed yourself since last Tuesday, you showered sometime recently and the thought of never getting out of bed again sounds like heaven.
If I don’t get the laundry done today, calamity will follow because the twins will have no clothes left by mid-week. If I don’t prep six dinners now, calamity will follow because I’ll never cope with the week’s work schedule AND getting home to cook dinner by 5. If I actually attend that get together in the park I’ve been invited to, calamity will follow because I will spend the whole time chasing twins and not get to speak to any adults. Panic attacks? Blame it on the twins.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
When I hear the sound of newborn babies cry, I get a tense feeling inside. I am hypervigilant. I can be in the deepest of sleep and yet still hear the swish of a twin’s foot brush the sheet in his bed as he rolls over. Suddenly I am alert. I go to bed on edge, waiting for that tell-tale sound, that type of cry that means my night of rest is done.
Well I definitely have this and it’s definitely related to having twins. I know this because as I write this, at home on the first day of school holidays, in a gloriously empty and quiet house, with all three kids in day care (I know this because I dropped them off), I just heard twin one upstairs. No kidding, I just heard him. I hear voices. Babies crying and twins muttering. They are everywhere.
So before you Dr Google yourself as seriously messed up in the head, just check that you are not surrounded by twins.