Virtually Married

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How does procreation affect a marriage? We have had the heartbreaking news recently of more than one set of friends seeing their relationships falter and fail. I feel sick to my stomach with the sadness of it, so I cannot imagine how painful it must be to go through. Kids are cited as a major pressure, not the ’cause’, but a major, major pressure. With about a third of marriages in Australia ending in divorce, it is perhaps pessimistic, but sadly realistic to say that these will not be the last of our friends to go through such a seismic life change.

I once would have said that there was no way my marriage would end in divorce. No. Way. I am far more realistic now. I would like to know the statistics on families with multiples and divorce/separation rates. Someone once (perhaps well meaningly) said to me see, having twins is no big deal. Well, I can tell you, it’s been the biggest deal of my life thus far. It has nearly broken me and it has come close to breaking my marriage. I just wrote and then deleted a whole qualification on how I shouldn’t look at things so negatively and had better count my blessings. Our experiences are what they are. For better or for worse, these are my thoughts, feelings and learnings.

We have spent years putting off conversations. Years of nights too tired or talked out to talk again once that sweet silence descends on the house. Years of we really should get a babysitter this weekend only to forget. Years of texting each other important stuff because it is only in that second when the thought comes to you that you can remember what it was you had been meaning to say for weeks. Years of frenetic pace, much too fast to look, listen, be gentle, talk softly. Years of everyone else but us. Years of just just keeping our heads above water.

We have pledged and pledged again to each other that we will not do that to each other, our kids, our family, our friends. No doubt about it, we have had our moments. My I wanna hurt myself moments are often accompanied by I also wanna leave. But I do not. Want to. I want him and everything that goes along with him. He has taken to leaving me notes around the house. I call him every afternoon when I get into the car for my half hour drive home form work. I am always home first. When he finally comes in the door I feel better. He has heard all my stories. He is still extremely funny. Yes, I love him, but apart from that, I really like him. This life has stretched us to the very limit. We have been close to broken and there are many things that need repair, but we are not broken. I’m a bit broken myself, but it’s nothing a bit of mind and heart work can’t fix.

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8 responses »

  1. Reading this gives me hope….your words always echo something very close in my life as I am too often drowning in my twins

    Being broken is so hard. And feeling guilty for being broken, faking the way through a day to keep it together for the childten’s sake…so awful.
    Feeling disconnected from the person who was always the closest before the babies were born.
    Always trying to remind myself of what I have accomplished, not failed. Looking down at all I have, not up to those things out of my reach.
    You give me hope writing the words I feel but can never find. Knowing I’m not alone feeling this way. This comfort simply makes me feel like its ok and i begin to breathe a little better…you are half a world away as I sit on my kitchen floor in East Northport, New York….but knowing somebody else knows what it can feel like with twins makes me feel less lonesome, less broken.
    Your words give me hope.
    Thank you,
    Heather

    PS:
    Your dress is exquisite!

    • Oh Heather, I can feel your pain through your words. I had a mental image of you sitting there on your kitchen floor, as I have done many times. I looked up East Northport, NY so that I’d know where you are. If you feel this way all the time, every day, it may be more than just coping with twins. Please see your family doctor. I did, and it really makes a difference. I will be posting about this in a day or two. Today for the first time in a long time, I had some feelings of really loving my life, it has felt like survival most of the time, but now, less so. I PROMISE, it gets easier.

  2. I really like the honesty of your posts. You don;t sugar coat the reality of your life as so many other Mummy bloggers seem to (though what would I know, maybe I shouldn’t assume they are lying when they suggest life looking after small children is all peaches and cream).

    Now I don’t have twins (‘only’ a 20 month old and a 5 month old!) but i know how hard it is for me to struggle through each day and count down the hours until their bed time (sometimes the minutes too) so I can only imagine what toddler twins is like.

    Please keep writing such insightful posts (when you have time of course).

    Best wishes

  3. Thankyou D, for your kind comments. I have often said that two so close together is pretty much like having twins. Two highly demanding little people at once! Hang in there, it does get easier (I used to hate hearing that, such a cliche, but like most cliches, it is true).

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