You are not alone

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Next week, starting on Sunday the 9th to the 16th of March is multiple birth awareness week. It’s one of those things that, even as a mother of twins, I would usually pay no attention to. When I discovered I was pregnant with twins, despite the urging of friends and medical specialists aplenty, the last thing I wanted to do was join AMBA or BMBA or whateverBA or anything related to to twins or mothers’ groups or the like. I didn’t want to talk about it, be advised about it or have anyone cook me a lasagne for the freezer. I was in DE. NI. AL.

I lived in what I thought was normal for quite some years. I just thought I had lost myself and that my children had swallowed me whole. I just had to deal with it and come to accept what was a really difficult experience for me because they were my kids and nothing was going to change that. The sense of entrapment was profound. There was a constant sense of outrage, helplessness and despair that was unescapable. On top of that was the mother guilt, which every mother on this earth knows deeply. It’s about as real a state as the photoshopped cover of Cosmo. It’s not how life is meant to be. I didn’t really ask for and commit to help until I was desperate. There was no way you would get an honest answer to the question ‘how are you?’ from me, ever. I hated hearing ‘you’ve got your hands full’ or ‘it gets easier’ or the nauseating,’ twins! what a blessing!’. I simply couldn’t. I couldn’t ask, answer or listen.

It’s multiple birth awareness week. Can I tell you something? Having multiples is not like having kids close together. It’s not easier because you get it all over and done with in one go. It’s not the same as a house full of singletons. It is different. For some it will be a dream. For some it will not. For me it was complicated by the fact that at the very same moment I was scanned and found two little babies, someone very close to me was realising she’d never bear her own children. It was made harder because I wanted to bitch about my lot but I was surrounded by women in the painful throes of miscarriage, IVF and infertility. Fate deals a bitch of a hand.

It’s multiple birth awareness week. With a combination of good therapy, time, medication and prayer, I am getting my life back. I joined BMBA. I’m writing for AMBA. I am looking forward to BMBA Market Day (*details below). I even went to my day care centre’s ‘Mum’s Night’ tonight. SO not something I would have done a year ago. I am falling so deeply in love with my children; something I imagine most Mums do when their babies are born, but something that took me a little longer. It is no less exquisite. I am happy. The inner rage is gone. I am excited on Friday afternoons instead of apprehensive.

Even if you are not ready to ask, answer or listen, you are still not alone, we are here. There are lots of us who struggled hard with this journey, even hated it at times. We are here. If you need us we are here at the drop of a hat, but we will not force you because we understand that sometimes you need to hide in a cave for a few years. If you need a listening ear without advice, we are here. If you need to get drunk and feel numb, we are here. If you need someone to sit there right next to you and not widen their eyes at the amount of baby noise, then yep, we are here. Advice, you can get it anywhere. I am unlikely to give it. What I can give is empathy and complete lack of judgement. You are not alone.

Please consider supporting the Brisbane Multiple Birth Association Market Day on Sunday the 16th of March. 

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9 responses »

  1. Wow you have written exactly how I have been feeling and trying to explain so I might have some one understand me, but I can never finish for feeling bad. My babies are now 7 weeks. So thank you for sharing

  2. yay – you said it all just right!! I was you for the first 12 months, it was the ‘no one would ever get a truthful answer’ that I went yep that was me! It’s so not the same as two close together, I now have 13yr old boy/girl twins, and sometimes. I do t know how we all survived! Not that now is any easier, in fact for me I think it’s the hardest time! My two hate each other – mostly – like a lot of siblings close in age, but the same age it’s so frustrating ! I would like to think that if push came to shove they would stick up for each other – but if I am totally honest I not sure they would!
    We have a 6 year old and this was so so much easier and I loved the TIME we had!!

  3. I don’t have twins myself, but can really relate to your comment of “I am falling so deeply in love with my children; something I imagine most Mums do when their babies are born, but something that took me a little longer.” – I felt this with my first born, it’s nice to hear someone else say it out loud and validate that for some of us it takes a little longer to fit into these new shoes of being a Mum.

  4. Wow! Beautifully written and so true in varying degrees for both me and my husband, and our 4 year old big brother to twins who are 11 months this week! Thank you for your honest account!

  5. Thank you so much for your honesty. Our boys were three on the weekend and I have certainly felt all of the emotions you spoke about to some degree. I’m still waiting for a time when “it gets easier”!

  6. Wow that sums it all up perfectly. I remember grocery shopping with my not quite 3yo and my newborn twins and a guy said I know exactly what you’re going through. When I asked it he had twins he said no but I have 3 that are 12 months apart!!!! He had no freaking idea!! But I survived and the twins are 6 and my eldest is almost 9. I’m am eternally grateful for having had a single first so that I could learn to be a mother without the madness that is newborn twins. Experience defininately helped me to cope with being the mother of twin babies. I take my hat off to first time mums of twins. It does get easier. There are still challenges of course but it’s amazing how a good nights sleep and the ability to negotiate with them as they get older can help. Ok rambling response now over LOL!

  7. My mum had twins and my sister had twins so I thought “I’ll be ok, they did it” …. How wrong I was…. My girls are 2…I feel my 9yo boy has been neglected for the last 2 years because my twins are so demanding.. I know in time it will be easier to make it through a week but right now it’s the hardest thing I have ever done….. And although there are lots of people around me and many that would offer help if I needed I completely understand the fear of asking for it…. To read that others have felt the same makes me feel that I’m not completely failing…

  8. A comforting read. My beautiful bubs are 6 weeks now and every day is a challenge. I’m hanging in there but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Good to know I’m not alone.

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